When you realize and are diagnosed with being Bi-polar it’s like hitting the jackpot of all emotional roller coasters.  There is not much else out there that can allow you to “seem” to function pretty normally and at the same time take you off on some devastating/exciting rides on a daily basis. 

There is nothing like waking up and feeling like you can conquer the world.  Everything is perfect and wonderful.  No matter the piled up dishes in the kitchen or the kid prints all over the walls, those things just don’t register.  There may be enough stuff in the corners of the staircase to intrigue any scientist but it doesn’t stop the visual of a picture perfect house.  You feel GREAT!  Nothing is ever going to go wrong because you are perfect and awesome and everyone loves you.  On wait, what time is it…..oh THAT time.  Time for everything to come crashing down around you in just a few short hours after proclaiming the world is wonderful and you can conquer it all.  Now you get to swing to the other side of the pendulum and crawl into a dark hole somewhere and wonder why existence has to be so painful.  Why does the world have to be such an ugly difficult place to maneuver all of a sudden?  The kids hate you, your spouse hates you, your friends hate you and now you realize you live in absolute squalor.  Why can’t you just get your shit together long enough to clean something?  Anything!?  Those stairs are disgusting and the ceiling fan has its own civilization growing in dust mounds.  But wait, you have to go grocery shopping.  Okay.  You can do this.  Put a pair of shoes on and just step outside.  Woop!  There you go.  Now you’re back and the world is yours to conquer again.  You can’t believe you were just so down and angry a few minutes ago.  No….that wasn’t really you.  You wouldn’t spend an entire afternoon sulking under your covers.  Couldn’t have been you at all.  You feel great and are ready to tackle all those little things that need to get done including restocking your pantry.  So, let’s go.

Ahhhh, driving.  This is the best part of life.  Just sitting in your little box on wheels while the music blares and you can really get down to who you are.  No one is there with you and nothing gets to you in your little box.  You speed down the streets watching the buildings go by and just enjoy the greatness that is life.  Except now you are parking and realize you have to go into this store that is full of PEOPLE!  Crap.  No worries, you are feeling okay today, right now.  So you step out of your safe little box and head to the doors grabbing your basket on the way.  You shop for awhile.  Things really are going okay.  Nope not okay.  Some lady just blocked your path to the toilet paper and try as you might she just won’t get out of the way.  Your blood boils, your heart races and you can feel the pounding of the uncontrollable anger bubbling up in your veins.  WHY THE FUCK WON’T SHE MOVE!!!  Finally she gets out of the way but its too late.  Now you are in your angry place.  The place that makes you say and do things that you don’t remember half the time.  The place that scares even you because you aren’t sure just exactly how you will handle anything from this point forward in your day.  You stomp around corners throwing things in your basket and muttering the most creative curses under your breath.  You almost take out the little boy gallivanting down the middle of the aisle.  Where “THE FUCK” is his mom/dad.  Little brats shouldn’t be allowed in public.  Your grocery shopping trip has become a visit into the depths of your deepest, hellish anger.  You have to get the hell out NOW!  So you do, you just walk away from your basket and go to your safe little box and head back home to the comfort of your cocoon.

This is my life.  This is my hell.  This is my rapture.  Every day is an adventure in patience and control.  Neither of these two things are in great abundance for me.  I take meds, I see my doctor but it still doesn’t stop.  There is also the new developing severe anxiety as I have gotten older.  I have had one major “psychological” breakdown and a little blip of one recently.  It sucks to never know what my day is going to hold for me.  I have no way of knowing if my good mood will stay or if my bad mood will progress to something darker.  I have had small visual and auditoria hallucinations.  It makes life interesting that’s for sure.  However, I’d give my left arm to be able to never have to experience any of this ever again.  Life in my car is no easy feat.  I guess today is one of the “pity” myself days.  Suffer on.