In the last few weeks, maybe months, I had found myself succumbing to that familiar old sensation called “fear”. You know, the fear of doing anything for the fact that it might actually be completely ignored and inconsequential in the fabric of the lives of those who you are trying to impress. I found myself ground to a halt yet once again. I haven’t finished my latest projects in the art studio and Jason…poor Jason Leeks. He has been stuck in the cockpit of a spaceship shortly from his kidnapping and has made no progress at all. This is frustrating and I had really thought I was beyond this little problem but alas, I don’t think it will ever go away.
Then this happened:
It has started to put things into perspective. I have no art supplies currently in the temporary apartment we are living at these days. I didn’t lose everything but they took it all when they cleared the house for cleaning and have shoved it all into storage. Its just as well because this temporary housing has no place for me to set anything up. However, I am dying to create; to get my hands on anything and make something. I have some great friends who have provided me the basics of sketch pads and drawing pencils — thank freakin’ jeebus.
I have been trying to get myself out of the corporate world for so long and go through this stop/start rhythm for so long. I had recently started doing some freelance work online for accounting/administration type work and it was going pretty well. I was beginning to see a light that would get me out of my drudgery and into a home office where I would have more time to write and create then…fire. There is also a great mentoring program that is taking applications for a year long artist mentorship with a local artist who has mastered the skill of creating his own business from his talent. You get to spend a year working in the studio in his gallery and with his guidance learn what it takes to get yourself to the next step. I’m terrified and don’t know if I’m ready to make that leap but if not now….when? The biggest hurdle in my mind IS my mind. I know my limits with stress. Being bi-polar I have to be very conscious of how much stress I allow in my life and I have to make sure I do not take on so many responsibilities that I overwhelm my brain. This causes a rather negative outcome and ends with me usually in a corner looking down on myself wondering about my very existence. It is not pretty and nor is it conducive to actually accomplishing anything. In the midst of this internal struggle I am searching for a new full-time job. My contract stint is running out of time and I’m running out of patience with the ridiculousness of this monkey work. Can I handle a new job AND the mentorship program? I don’t know but I feel like I have to try. Yet, fear sets in and has me hiding in the shadows. *sigh* I hate my brain sometimes.
And poor Jason Leeks. His story has been playing itself out in my mind on a regular basis but I can’t seem to get it out of there. He has been sitting in that cockpit in the middle of an argument now for a couple of months with no end in sight. My house catching fire and being put out for what could be up to six months for repairs is making me really evaluate myself and how I keep letting things stand in my way and become an excuse. I don’t know if this will finally get me back on track or not but I know it has me seriously contemplating on why I have been letting something as silly as *fear* of going unnoticed stop me from accomplishing things. It is not like I’m exactly a glowing spotlight of recognition at the moment so it is not like I’m making it worse. So, decisions to be made including paint colors for my entire house (which is rather exciting because I have HATED the color of all my walls for years now) and getting myself to accept full commitment to the things that I have started and wish to see through regardless of what my mind is trying to tell me.
Keep an eye out for a new site coming up. I’m working on getting one dedicated solely to my artwork and you’ll be able to purchase existing artwork or we can communicate about a commission created as a collobartion of your personality and my artistic interpretation for you. Whether I actually make a huge contribution to the world or not, I’m going to try.
A lot of happenings of late. In the midst of political gatherings to fight for equal rights, book editing and new book writing, as well as preparing for an event to bring together my old crew for a reunion party I participated in a show. It was on the Art of Habit and Addiction. Since I so recently kicked sugar’s ass, my piece was on that subject. Here I am below at the show.
I started this blog a few years ago with the intention of practicing and refining my writing as well as providing a place to post/promote my art. I have failed miserbly at this endeavor. I knew going in my life was a bit on the hectic side of living but not how much it would affect my ability to focus on something as simple as writing a few words or paragraphs each day. Instead of doing what I wanted I have sat idle or allowed the distractions of life to invade my plans. It also never occured to me that I would be concerned about writing on here about me, myself and my life. I question whether I’m going to upset someone or hurt feelings if I write certain things. I have always prided myself on being honest; honest to the point of being called a bitch but either way I don’t paint a rosy picture when there isn’t one. So, what happened to me? Why do I care? I have no idea. Maybe after all the years of being so honest to everyone and shrugging off the negative feedback I just can’t take that kind of interaction anymore. OR more plausibly, I’m starting to care more. Ugh. That thought kind of grosses me out.
In any case, I am going to try more and get more our of my head instead of holding it captive for fear of others. Writing, especially personal writing is going to upset people but those who know me and understand where I am at should be able to understand I’m just being me. So – if in writing you think “hey, that sounds like me” or even more so “wow, that was about me” just know I’m writing to get things out. I have to cleanse my brain or else I’m going to explode.
I currently find myself in a position of immense struggle between what is at work and what is at home. Home – things seem to be going relatively well. My son, his father and I are all taking therapy together to work out how to deal with each other given his complicated diagnosis (bipolar with Asperger’s). He is also taking new medication and everything seems to be on a good path. The usual chaotic nature of our home (read – tons of kids at the house at all times) seems to be winding down and fewer people are around on a daily basis. This is good because now the house is a bit more stable for both myself and my son. Work – SUUUUUUUUUUCKS! Not in the usual, I can’t stand that I have to work, kind of way but in the, this place is the shittiest place to work, kind of way. There is no communication and no cohesiveness to our department. Hell, my boss wears earplugs at work so she doesn’t have to hear anyone and refuses to answer her phone. WTF?!?
I am hoping to get back to painting and writing in earnest in the next couple of weeks. There is a juried art show I would like to participate in and hopefully be selected to be a part of it as well. Writing will hopefully keep coming to me slowly. Everyone always talks about how they could easily write a book or write anything really….I can say from the experience of the last few years, writing is one of the most difficult things you can decide to do with your life. It does not come easy and it is even harder when every sentence you write you go back and read immediately thinking its tripe and you trash it, starting all over again never to get even a page of words complete.
So – I’m still not sure what I’m doing and I don’t know if I ever will but I’m going to keep pushing. One day, I know, I will wake up and that drive to keep going, never giving up WILL pay off.
Yeah, so this whole writing prompt boot camp – not going as well as I had it planned. I keep writing but not as much or as often as I want to at this point. I feel like I’m letting myself down at the moment. Its way past day two and I still have to put the last of the story down. I am READY to be finished but finding the time to squeeze out some writing is crazy hard. Now I realize why you never see writers when they are working on a project. Life is just too inconvenient when you have a project to finish.
I’m not giving up though! So, don’t you all go anywhere. I just may not have the stories up here EVERY day like I wanted to do. At this rate my two week camp may become a two month camp but I’m hoping as I get my writing fingers moving and figure something out at home it will get easier. I just need to not work so far from home. LOL The hour drive from the office to the house is a killer. I walk in the door so sleepy from sitting in traffic its hard to get my wheels spinning again.
But – I will prevail. I shall not stop and I Will Finish things! This is my mantra right now.
I will finish things.
After a long night and a loud ass storm that somehow either, coincidentally, my computer lost connection to the interwebs or I have the weirdest internet connection ever – I am back to work. I only get an hour for lunch and I’m typing my little fingers off. I am finding though, the most difficult part of this story is writing the dialogue. I’ve never done this in a story before. Its a first and its difficult and may come off kind of klunky. In any case, the story WILL be posted tonight/this evening. I WILL FINISH THINGS!!! I also look forward to everyone’s feedback. 😛
After a long day at work and making dinner I finally get to sit down. I am catching up on the Hell’s Kitchen I missed earlier and then its time to finish the prompt for today. I came home with the most exciting finish from what I got started today during lunch. It will be an awesome story. If I can finally get my ass to write the damn thing.
I missed a couple of days. Sorry folks. To make up for two days of no sneak peaks I have included several pictures today including a very moving reproduction of a photograph in honor of Veteran’s Day. Enjoy!