I-10 Rush Hour Derby
There are many different freeways in the city of Houston. All of them suck. I don’t think there will ever be a way to make things better unless Houston accepts that it is best to have commuter trains to run out to the suburbs. It would be a huge effort and cost money but fuck, it needs to be done.
I live in Katy which is 22 miles, exactly, from my office which is smack in the middle of downtown Houston. This means I drive 45 minutes in the morning and evening just to go to work and torture myself by being forced to work around a bunch of goddamn monkeys.
I have learned over the past year there are many things you need to be aware of while making this commute. There are also some basic rules that should be followed in order to keep this stretch of I-10 from turning into a fucking parking lot. I have come up with the most important of all the many that have cropped up in my mind. So – if you ever find yourself stuck in traffic, whether rush hour or not, the below are the:
TOP 5 RULES TO KEEP FROM GETTING CREAMED IN TRAFFIC ON I-10
5) This would be an obvious one. If the traffic is so heavy that you have trouble seeing exactly what is going on for more than one car ahead of you – you should probably hang up your fucking phone. There is NO call out there worth distracting your already horrible driving ass from concentrating on the road. YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT! Also while on this somewhat similar topic, ladies, STOP putting your goddamn make-up on in the car. If you can’t get your lazy ass out of bed in time to get ready then suck it up and go natural. Unless you’re a fucking Yetti/Sasquatch no one cares.
4) If you are going soooooo fast you must weave in and out of traffic leap-frogging from lane to lane then you need to SLOW YOUR SHIT DOWN! I’m not sure what the math is behind it and maybe I should get my husband’s mathematician friend to figure it out but I’m pretty sure you are increasing your chances of crashing in a fiery blaze driving this way. I can’t be absolutely positive on this but I think the probability should increase for every time you switch lanes. I could be wrong (someone correct me if so). Your actions also increase MY chances of a not so friendly encounter with other drivers because if you wreck – the whole goddamn freeway freaks out.
3) USE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BLINKER YOU BITCH!!!! Unless manufacturers are cutting cost by leaving it out of the car, its there for a reason so just slide your lazy ass hand down the steering wheel and flick that little switch. Also, if you used it, I might be more inclined to let you in instead of running your ass back out of my lane because you presumed that you could just run on over and squish me.
2) Now, I’m going to get serious on this one. There are a lot of motorcycles on the freeway here in Houston. Show some respect you piece of shit douches. If you hit that guy/girl you are going to not only fuck up THEIR world but you are going to cause a shit storm of insanity on the freeway. One more time for emphasis, RESPECT, you fucktards.
1) Now we get to the most important rule of the road, at least in my opinion. When you are driving down the freeway and you decide to drive super goddamn slow in the fast lane you are the biggest asshole EVER! In this same category, if you are going more than 15-20 miles faster than the rest of traffic you better slow done and stay the fuck OFF of people’s bumpers. Do you have ANY idea how utterly retarded you are being by doing this in traffic? Let’s say some equally stupid horrible driving dumbass gets behind you and rides your tailpipe like he wants to fuck your car when suddenly traffic STOPS. You know where you are going? That’s’ right. You are going straight into the ass of the car in front of you while your butt-buddy behind you helps to complete the sandwich of death and gore by shoving their car up YOUR ass. See the danger there? See what kind of position you are putting me in? I may not be the middle of the sandwich but I certainly don’t want to be ANY part of your horrible fun and games.
Driving in Houston can be dangerous. I will admit, we also drive pretty fucking fast on a normal basis. Traffic, if light, tends to run between 75-80mph on most freeways. Don’t EVEN think about getting on our tollway (Beltway 8). People seem to confuse that road with a race track. The road surfaces are piles of shit on top of the speeding. You should probably make sure you have a last will and testament before you try to mix it up with the ubber crazies on there.
So – there you have some basic tips. Don’t blame me or anyone else if you don’t follow them. You get to become a statistic and I WILL make fun of you.
jamiewritesWhat 