This stream of words is pulsating in my head. I keep trying to configure and set up the fine arts website. Instead, I’m staring at the screen trying to decide the look/feel of the site and I cannot make a single decision. I really wish I could afford to have someone who is amazing and talented and uber cheap to get this going but instead I’m going to keep staring and hope a magic elf appears to do all the work for me.
Come on magic elf…I know you’re in there somewhere…..
The problem with doing everything in my life backwards is that it finds me having a midlife crisis like some horribly cheesy Hollywood film. I’m whining, kicking and screaming; throwing my own personal fit because I can’t have what I want right NOW. The boy came first at 20, then marriage, then the girl at 24 and along the way I managed to pick up an accounting “career”. This is where I shot myself in the damn foot. I should have started creating then and found a way to make it work. Now, I’m sitting watching the clock and calendar speed past as I wait my turn. The problem with my plush career is just that….it has provided me and the family a certain comfort level that I can’t step away from now. Not because I think I’m too good to live any other way but damn if I don’t have a mortgage now. Ugh.
I’m trying very hard to behave during this crisis. (As much as one can when you want to go running for the hills and reinvent your life.) Now we throw in the being displaced because this massive building we mortgage has been severely damaged and my limited routine is quashed and I’m in limbo going, ‘’What?” This shall pass and hopefully it will get easier as the time goes by giving me some opportunity to create and get something (anything please) heading in the right direction for a life as a creative person. Thank Cthulhu for my dearest husband who puts up with my random rantings and diatribes on the insanity that I cornered myself into when younger. I know this will pass.
Am I the only one here? Have any others found themselves, middle-aged and questioning their life path; desperate to move it to another course but stuck due to circumstance until a future time? How the heck do you deal with this and keep yourself from losing your marbles waiting your turn? To complicate matters, yes, I know I could probably hunker down and work full-time while pushing myself to get my own thing going with art and writing but then it aggravates my whole “bipolar” thingy I got going on and I really do start to lose my very tentative grip on reality. I cannot multi-task multiple high stress things at once. I get to pick one or two things I can do at once and nothing more. Otherwise, I’ll be catatonic in the bed wondering if I’m real and the world can actually see me. It gets really ugly and not fun.
I guess I feel a tad better after brain dumping all this whining. I do have a great weekend ahead of me as it is Via Colori weekend here in Houston. I get to spend the weekend painting a 6ftX6ft square on the streets of downtown and enjoy great music, food and visit with hundreds of other artists. It is also the weekend of our famous ArtCrawl. So, while I must sit daily and analyze numbers and make pretty spreadsheets in excel that do amazing, complicated calculations – I will remember that MY time is coming and when it does I will be a force of creativity that won’t slow down and all these rambling ideas and stories will finally see the light!
If you are in the Houston Area here is all the info on Via Colori. Come out and say HI! I’d love to meet some new people.
Wow. As always, I’m busy and forget to check in on this thing. Sometimes I wonder about my desire to continue this blog but then I get on here and remember….
So – catch up.
My time has been consumed lately by Houston NORML (Houston chapter of National Organization to Reform Marijuana Laws). Before you all judge (like I’d bother being offended), I don’t smoke. I feel though, that this particular plant deserves a chance to prove its usefulness and this whole “war on drugs” has become more of a “war on the people” than anything. I was voted in as Secretary two months ago and have been consumed with duties to get things up to speed with my slight OCD tendencies.
I haven’t had much opportunity to write with all this going on as well. I did however review what I have written so far on the Jason Leeks story. We are up to his first steps into an intergalactic space ship. Its going to really start to get interesting from here on out. Guns, women, government conspiracies on a galactic level, space ships and lots of bad one liners to keep you entertained.
Painting is going even slower. My art studio is once again an apocalyptic disaster area. I’m sure there is a floor in there and I have located the last project I need to complete. I need about two days to get it in order though…. I either need a bigger room to work in or to learn how to get better organized. (who am I kidding, I need a bigger room – I can’t keep anything organized in that room)
The fam-damily is doing great. We recently acquired a new 4 door Jeep Wrangler. We took it out for some off roading fun last weekend. I giggled and laughed maniacally while barreling through giant mud craters and over tree trunks. I had NO idea off roading was such an exciting activity.
Once again, all caught up. Now, I hope I can get some new material up on here in the coming weeks. I finished the edit of Ray’s Box. I just need to actually finish the corrections and I have a couple of new pieces of work that I can add to my art. Here’s to hoping I can stay focused for more than five minutes over the next few weeks.
This is my next project. I’m working on it a bit today and will be doing other domesticated duties as well. It has been a late start today but that is all okay. I’ll have lots of things to keep myself busy today as long as I can keep myself moving. Thank you all that is holy and righteous for the coffee I will consume today.
This particular piece is going to be interesting. I am covering up an older item I did that I was so not satisfied with the results I just hid it in the back of my studio. Now, I’m going to use it to work out a piece in my head and I’ll be able to maintain some of the old painting in the new one. It’s titled “Time Kills”. Which will make more sense when you see the finished product. Here’s to a productive Sunday! Hope you all out there are having a productive day as well!!!
What am I doing? Its a nice Saturday with nothing to do. I have several writing projects to work on and a few paintings in mid-progress in my studio. Not to mention all the domestic type things to do around the house but what am I doing? I am hiding in my room trying to stay awake. I have no reason to be sleepy. I am fully rested and have been all week. I know the likely reason is medication but it sucks. I think my current regimen is not taking the edge off of my constant depression thus making me just sleep my life away. It probably doesn’t help that I was laid off a month ago and have had several GREAT interviews only to be passed over. I could be doing so many productive things but instead I’m hiding like always. I guess its time to get myself into the psych doctor again and see what can be done. Sometimes I wish I was the bipolar that had severe manic episodes instead of leaning to the severe depression and only minor mania. It seems like I’d get more done that way. LOL I just hate not functioning more than anything else. Constant chaos — this is my existence.
While waiting for my website change I have decided to upload some of my paintings. If you select the artwork tab you can find a link to a few of the newest items I have completed. I had a show last weekend. I hope to have quite a few more later this year. I am working on some really great mixed media ideas that I think are going to be amazing when complete. Check them out and enjoy!!
I started this blog a few years ago with the intention of practicing and refining my writing as well as providing a place to post/promote my art. I have failed miserbly at this endeavor. I knew going in my life was a bit on the hectic side of living but not how much it would affect my ability to focus on something as simple as writing a few words or paragraphs each day. Instead of doing what I wanted I have sat idle or allowed the distractions of life to invade my plans. It also never occured to me that I would be concerned about writing on here about me, myself and my life. I question whether I’m going to upset someone or hurt feelings if I write certain things. I have always prided myself on being honest; honest to the point of being called a bitch but either way I don’t paint a rosy picture when there isn’t one. So, what happened to me? Why do I care? I have no idea. Maybe after all the years of being so honest to everyone and shrugging off the negative feedback I just can’t take that kind of interaction anymore. OR more plausibly, I’m starting to care more. Ugh. That thought kind of grosses me out.
In any case, I am going to try more and get more our of my head instead of holding it captive for fear of others. Writing, especially personal writing is going to upset people but those who know me and understand where I am at should be able to understand I’m just being me. So – if in writing you think “hey, that sounds like me” or even more so “wow, that was about me” just know I’m writing to get things out. I have to cleanse my brain or else I’m going to explode.
I currently find myself in a position of immense struggle between what is at work and what is at home. Home – things seem to be going relatively well. My son, his father and I are all taking therapy together to work out how to deal with each other given his complicated diagnosis (bipolar with Asperger’s). He is also taking new medication and everything seems to be on a good path. The usual chaotic nature of our home (read – tons of kids at the house at all times) seems to be winding down and fewer people are around on a daily basis. This is good because now the house is a bit more stable for both myself and my son. Work – SUUUUUUUUUUCKS! Not in the usual, I can’t stand that I have to work, kind of way but in the, this place is the shittiest place to work, kind of way. There is no communication and no cohesiveness to our department. Hell, my boss wears earplugs at work so she doesn’t have to hear anyone and refuses to answer her phone. WTF?!?
I am hoping to get back to painting and writing in earnest in the next couple of weeks. There is a juried art show I would like to participate in and hopefully be selected to be a part of it as well. Writing will hopefully keep coming to me slowly. Everyone always talks about how they could easily write a book or write anything really….I can say from the experience of the last few years, writing is one of the most difficult things you can decide to do with your life. It does not come easy and it is even harder when every sentence you write you go back and read immediately thinking its tripe and you trash it, starting all over again never to get even a page of words complete.
So – I’m still not sure what I’m doing and I don’t know if I ever will but I’m going to keep pushing. One day, I know, I will wake up and that drive to keep going, never giving up WILL pay off.
I missed a couple of days. Sorry folks. To make up for two days of no sneak peaks I have included several pictures today including a very moving reproduction of a photograph in honor of Veteran’s Day. Enjoy!
Here is today’s peak at the past years Via Colori artistry. We are now one week away from the festival. Come and enjoy artist from around the country and world along with great live music while snacking on great foods next weekend Nov 17th and 18th at the Houston Via Coloris Festival!!