In the last few weeks, maybe months, I had found myself succumbing to that familiar old sensation called “fear”. You know, the fear of doing anything for the fact that it might actually be completely ignored and inconsequential in the fabric of the lives of those who you are trying to impress. I found myself ground to a halt yet once again. I haven’t finished my latest projects in the art studio and Jason…poor Jason Leeks. He has been stuck in the cockpit of a spaceship shortly from his kidnapping and has made no progress at all. This is frustrating and I had really thought I was beyond this little problem but alas, I don’t think it will ever go away.
Then this happened:
It has started to put things into perspective. I have no art supplies currently in the temporary apartment we are living at these days. I didn’t lose everything but they took it all when they cleared the house for cleaning and have shoved it all into storage. Its just as well because this temporary housing has no place for me to set anything up. However, I am dying to create; to get my hands on anything and make something. I have some great friends who have provided me the basics of sketch pads and drawing pencils — thank freakin’ jeebus.
I have been trying to get myself out of the corporate world for so long and go through this stop/start rhythm for so long. I had recently started doing some freelance work online for accounting/administration type work and it was going pretty well. I was beginning to see a light that would get me out of my drudgery and into a home office where I would have more time to write and create then…fire. There is also a great mentoring program that is taking applications for a year long artist mentorship with a local artist who has mastered the skill of creating his own business from his talent. You get to spend a year working in the studio in his gallery and with his guidance learn what it takes to get yourself to the next step. I’m terrified and don’t know if I’m ready to make that leap but if not now….when? The biggest hurdle in my mind IS my mind. I know my limits with stress. Being bi-polar I have to be very conscious of how much stress I allow in my life and I have to make sure I do not take on so many responsibilities that I overwhelm my brain. This causes a rather negative outcome and ends with me usually in a corner looking down on myself wondering about my very existence. It is not pretty and nor is it conducive to actually accomplishing anything. In the midst of this internal struggle I am searching for a new full-time job. My contract stint is running out of time and I’m running out of patience with the ridiculousness of this monkey work. Can I handle a new job AND the mentorship program? I don’t know but I feel like I have to try. Yet, fear sets in and has me hiding in the shadows. *sigh* I hate my brain sometimes.
And poor Jason Leeks. His story has been playing itself out in my mind on a regular basis but I can’t seem to get it out of there. He has been sitting in that cockpit in the middle of an argument now for a couple of months with no end in sight. My house catching fire and being put out for what could be up to six months for repairs is making me really evaluate myself and how I keep letting things stand in my way and become an excuse. I don’t know if this will finally get me back on track or not but I know it has me seriously contemplating on why I have been letting something as silly as *fear* of going unnoticed stop me from accomplishing things. It is not like I’m exactly a glowing spotlight of recognition at the moment so it is not like I’m making it worse. So, decisions to be made including paint colors for my entire house (which is rather exciting because I have HATED the color of all my walls for years now) and getting myself to accept full commitment to the things that I have started and wish to see through regardless of what my mind is trying to tell me.
Keep an eye out for a new site coming up. I’m working on getting one dedicated solely to my artwork and you’ll be able to purchase existing artwork or we can communicate about a commission created as a collobartion of your personality and my artistic interpretation for you. Whether I actually make a huge contribution to the world or not, I’m going to try.