I started this blog a few years ago with the intention of practicing and refining my writing as well as providing a place to post/promote my art. I have failed miserbly at this endeavor. I knew going in my life was a bit on the hectic side of living but not how much it would affect my ability to focus on something as simple as writing a few words or paragraphs each day. Instead of doing what I wanted I have sat idle or allowed the distractions of life to invade my plans. It also never occured to me that I would be concerned about writing on here about me, myself and my life. I question whether I’m going to upset someone or hurt feelings if I write certain things. I have always prided myself on being honest; honest to the point of being called a bitch but either way I don’t paint a rosy picture when there isn’t one. So, what happened to me? Why do I care? I have no idea. Maybe after all the years of being so honest to everyone and shrugging off the negative feedback I just can’t take that kind of interaction anymore. OR more plausibly, I’m starting to care more. Ugh. That thought kind of grosses me out.
In any case, I am going to try more and get more our of my head instead of holding it captive for fear of others. Writing, especially personal writing is going to upset people but those who know me and understand where I am at should be able to understand I’m just being me. So – if in writing you think “hey, that sounds like me” or even more so “wow, that was about me” just know I’m writing to get things out. I have to cleanse my brain or else I’m going to explode.
I currently find myself in a position of immense struggle between what is at work and what is at home. Home – things seem to be going relatively well. My son, his father and I are all taking therapy together to work out how to deal with each other given his complicated diagnosis (bipolar with Asperger’s). He is also taking new medication and everything seems to be on a good path. The usual chaotic nature of our home (read – tons of kids at the house at all times) seems to be winding down and fewer people are around on a daily basis. This is good because now the house is a bit more stable for both myself and my son. Work – SUUUUUUUUUUCKS! Not in the usual, I can’t stand that I have to work, kind of way but in the, this place is the shittiest place to work, kind of way. There is no communication and no cohesiveness to our department. Hell, my boss wears earplugs at work so she doesn’t have to hear anyone and refuses to answer her phone. WTF?!?
I am hoping to get back to painting and writing in earnest in the next couple of weeks. There is a juried art show I would like to participate in and hopefully be selected to be a part of it as well. Writing will hopefully keep coming to me slowly. Everyone always talks about how they could easily write a book or write anything really….I can say from the experience of the last few years, writing is one of the most difficult things you can decide to do with your life. It does not come easy and it is even harder when every sentence you write you go back and read immediately thinking its tripe and you trash it, starting all over again never to get even a page of words complete.
So – I’m still not sure what I’m doing and I don’t know if I ever will but I’m going to keep pushing. One day, I know, I will wake up and that drive to keep going, never giving up WILL pay off.