The problem with doing everything in my life backwards is that it finds me having a midlife crisis like some horribly cheesy Hollywood film. I’m whining, kicking and screaming; throwing my own personal fit because I can’t have what I want right NOW. The boy came first at 20, then marriage, then the girl at 24 and along the way I managed to pick up an accounting “career”. This is where I shot myself in the damn foot. I should have started creating then and found a way to make it work. Now, I’m sitting watching the clock and calendar speed past as I wait my turn. The problem with my plush career is just that….it has provided me and the family a certain comfort level that I can’t step away from now. Not because I think I’m too good to live any other way but damn if I don’t have a mortgage now. Ugh.
I’m trying very hard to behave during this crisis. (As much as one can when you want to go running for the hills and reinvent your life.) Now we throw in the being displaced because this massive building we mortgage has been severely damaged and my limited routine is quashed and I’m in limbo going, ‘’What?” This shall pass and hopefully it will get easier as the time goes by giving me some opportunity to create and get something (anything please) heading in the right direction for a life as a creative person. Thank Cthulhu for my dearest husband who puts up with my random rantings and diatribes on the insanity that I cornered myself into when younger. I know this will pass.
Am I the only one here? Have any others found themselves, middle-aged and questioning their life path; desperate to move it to another course but stuck due to circumstance until a future time? How the heck do you deal with this and keep yourself from losing your marbles waiting your turn? To complicate matters, yes, I know I could probably hunker down and work full-time while pushing myself to get my own thing going with art and writing but then it aggravates my whole “bipolar” thingy I got going on and I really do start to lose my very tentative grip on reality. I cannot multi-task multiple high stress things at once. I get to pick one or two things I can do at once and nothing more. Otherwise, I’ll be catatonic in the bed wondering if I’m real and the world can actually see me. It gets really ugly and not fun.
I guess I feel a tad better after brain dumping all this whining. I do have a great weekend ahead of me as it is Via Colori weekend here in Houston. I get to spend the weekend painting a 6ftX6ft square on the streets of downtown and enjoy great music, food and visit with hundreds of other artists. It is also the weekend of our famous ArtCrawl. So, while I must sit daily and analyze numbers and make pretty spreadsheets in excel that do amazing, complicated calculations – I will remember that MY time is coming and when it does I will be a force of creativity that won’t slow down and all these rambling ideas and stories will finally see the light!
If you are in the Houston Area here is all the info on Via Colori. Come out and say HI! I’d love to meet some new people.
In the last few weeks, maybe months, I had found myself succumbing to that familiar old sensation called “fear”. You know, the fear of doing anything for the fact that it might actually be completely ignored and inconsequential in the fabric of the lives of those who you are trying to impress. I found myself ground to a halt yet once again. I haven’t finished my latest projects in the art studio and Jason…poor Jason Leeks. He has been stuck in the cockpit of a spaceship shortly from his kidnapping and has made no progress at all. This is frustrating and I had really thought I was beyond this little problem but alas, I don’t think it will ever go away.
Then this happened:
It has started to put things into perspective. I have no art supplies currently in the temporary apartment we are living at these days. I didn’t lose everything but they took it all when they cleared the house for cleaning and have shoved it all into storage. Its just as well because this temporary housing has no place for me to set anything up. However, I am dying to create; to get my hands on anything and make something. I have some great friends who have provided me the basics of sketch pads and drawing pencils — thank freakin’ jeebus.
I have been trying to get myself out of the corporate world for so long and go through this stop/start rhythm for so long. I had recently started doing some freelance work online for accounting/administration type work and it was going pretty well. I was beginning to see a light that would get me out of my drudgery and into a home office where I would have more time to write and create then…fire. There is also a great mentoring program that is taking applications for a year long artist mentorship with a local artist who has mastered the skill of creating his own business from his talent. You get to spend a year working in the studio in his gallery and with his guidance learn what it takes to get yourself to the next step. I’m terrified and don’t know if I’m ready to make that leap but if not now….when? The biggest hurdle in my mind IS my mind. I know my limits with stress. Being bi-polar I have to be very conscious of how much stress I allow in my life and I have to make sure I do not take on so many responsibilities that I overwhelm my brain. This causes a rather negative outcome and ends with me usually in a corner looking down on myself wondering about my very existence. It is not pretty and nor is it conducive to actually accomplishing anything. In the midst of this internal struggle I am searching for a new full-time job. My contract stint is running out of time and I’m running out of patience with the ridiculousness of this monkey work. Can I handle a new job AND the mentorship program? I don’t know but I feel like I have to try. Yet, fear sets in and has me hiding in the shadows. *sigh* I hate my brain sometimes.
And poor Jason Leeks. His story has been playing itself out in my mind on a regular basis but I can’t seem to get it out of there. He has been sitting in that cockpit in the middle of an argument now for a couple of months with no end in sight. My house catching fire and being put out for what could be up to six months for repairs is making me really evaluate myself and how I keep letting things stand in my way and become an excuse. I don’t know if this will finally get me back on track or not but I know it has me seriously contemplating on why I have been letting something as silly as *fear* of going unnoticed stop me from accomplishing things. It is not like I’m exactly a glowing spotlight of recognition at the moment so it is not like I’m making it worse. So, decisions to be made including paint colors for my entire house (which is rather exciting because I have HATED the color of all my walls for years now) and getting myself to accept full commitment to the things that I have started and wish to see through regardless of what my mind is trying to tell me.
Keep an eye out for a new site coming up. I’m working on getting one dedicated solely to my artwork and you’ll be able to purchase existing artwork or we can communicate about a commission created as a collobartion of your personality and my artistic interpretation for you. Whether I actually make a huge contribution to the world or not, I’m going to try.
Seriously!!! I know I am bipolar and a lot of doctors confuse symptoms. My doctor has agreed to let me take the test and I have done some online through other medical facilities. I’m pretty sure this is an issue. I look forward to taking this test so I can get my shit straight and the right dosage of meds for allowing me to focus and actually finish things I start. Looking back at high school and college it would really explain a lot of the issues I had at the time in regards to my studies and grades. In any case, I know I’m being a bad girl and I at times will pilfer some of my husbands ADD medicine. All I can say is that taking it does not do for me what it does for others who use it for recreational fun. It actually does what it is supposed to do. I know this is wrong and I shouldn’t but it has been so hard lately and I have to get my test here asap also so that when I do go back to work I don’t have some of the reoccurring issues I have had in my last few roles in the accounting world. I am very good at what I do but I know I am capable of sooooo much more but I can not accomplish those things if I do not get my brain and all its funkiness in order. Plus, I want to write more without getting distracted when something shiny runs past my field of vision or the wind freakin’ blows and I disappear into some spiral of running myself in circles doing nothing.
I started this blog a few years ago with the intention of practicing and refining my writing as well as providing a place to post/promote my art. I have failed miserbly at this endeavor. I knew going in my life was a bit on the hectic side of living but not how much it would affect my ability to focus on something as simple as writing a few words or paragraphs each day. Instead of doing what I wanted I have sat idle or allowed the distractions of life to invade my plans. It also never occured to me that I would be concerned about writing on here about me, myself and my life. I question whether I’m going to upset someone or hurt feelings if I write certain things. I have always prided myself on being honest; honest to the point of being called a bitch but either way I don’t paint a rosy picture when there isn’t one. So, what happened to me? Why do I care? I have no idea. Maybe after all the years of being so honest to everyone and shrugging off the negative feedback I just can’t take that kind of interaction anymore. OR more plausibly, I’m starting to care more. Ugh. That thought kind of grosses me out.
In any case, I am going to try more and get more our of my head instead of holding it captive for fear of others. Writing, especially personal writing is going to upset people but those who know me and understand where I am at should be able to understand I’m just being me. So – if in writing you think “hey, that sounds like me” or even more so “wow, that was about me” just know I’m writing to get things out. I have to cleanse my brain or else I’m going to explode.
I currently find myself in a position of immense struggle between what is at work and what is at home. Home – things seem to be going relatively well. My son, his father and I are all taking therapy together to work out how to deal with each other given his complicated diagnosis (bipolar with Asperger’s). He is also taking new medication and everything seems to be on a good path. The usual chaotic nature of our home (read – tons of kids at the house at all times) seems to be winding down and fewer people are around on a daily basis. This is good because now the house is a bit more stable for both myself and my son. Work – SUUUUUUUUUUCKS! Not in the usual, I can’t stand that I have to work, kind of way but in the, this place is the shittiest place to work, kind of way. There is no communication and no cohesiveness to our department. Hell, my boss wears earplugs at work so she doesn’t have to hear anyone and refuses to answer her phone. WTF?!?
I am hoping to get back to painting and writing in earnest in the next couple of weeks. There is a juried art show I would like to participate in and hopefully be selected to be a part of it as well. Writing will hopefully keep coming to me slowly. Everyone always talks about how they could easily write a book or write anything really….I can say from the experience of the last few years, writing is one of the most difficult things you can decide to do with your life. It does not come easy and it is even harder when every sentence you write you go back and read immediately thinking its tripe and you trash it, starting all over again never to get even a page of words complete.
So – I’m still not sure what I’m doing and I don’t know if I ever will but I’m going to keep pushing. One day, I know, I will wake up and that drive to keep going, never giving up WILL pay off.