The problem with doing everything in my life backwards is that it finds me having a midlife crisis like some horribly cheesy Hollywood film. I’m whining, kicking and screaming; throwing my own personal fit because I can’t have what I want right NOW. The boy came first at 20, then marriage, then the girl at 24 and along the way I managed to pick up an accounting “career”. This is where I shot myself in the damn foot. I should have started creating then and found a way to make it work. Now, I’m sitting watching the clock and calendar speed past as I wait my turn. The problem with my plush career is just that….it has provided me and the family a certain comfort level that I can’t step away from now. Not because I think I’m too good to live any other way but damn if I don’t have a mortgage now. Ugh.
I’m trying very hard to behave during this crisis. (As much as one can when you want to go running for the hills and reinvent your life.) Now we throw in the being displaced because this massive building we mortgage has been severely damaged and my limited routine is quashed and I’m in limbo going, ‘’What?” This shall pass and hopefully it will get easier as the time goes by giving me some opportunity to create and get something (anything please) heading in the right direction for a life as a creative person. Thank Cthulhu for my dearest husband who puts up with my random rantings and diatribes on the insanity that I cornered myself into when younger. I know this will pass.
Am I the only one here? Have any others found themselves, middle-aged and questioning their life path; desperate to move it to another course but stuck due to circumstance until a future time? How the heck do you deal with this and keep yourself from losing your marbles waiting your turn? To complicate matters, yes, I know I could probably hunker down and work full-time while pushing myself to get my own thing going with art and writing but then it aggravates my whole “bipolar” thingy I got going on and I really do start to lose my very tentative grip on reality. I cannot multi-task multiple high stress things at once. I get to pick one or two things I can do at once and nothing more. Otherwise, I’ll be catatonic in the bed wondering if I’m real and the world can actually see me. It gets really ugly and not fun.
I guess I feel a tad better after brain dumping all this whining. I do have a great weekend ahead of me as it is Via Colori weekend here in Houston. I get to spend the weekend painting a 6ftX6ft square on the streets of downtown and enjoy great music, food and visit with hundreds of other artists. It is also the weekend of our famous ArtCrawl. So, while I must sit daily and analyze numbers and make pretty spreadsheets in excel that do amazing, complicated calculations – I will remember that MY time is coming and when it does I will be a force of creativity that won’t slow down and all these rambling ideas and stories will finally see the light!
If you are in the Houston Area here is all the info on Via Colori. Come out and say HI! I’d love to meet some new people.
In the last few weeks, maybe months, I had found myself succumbing to that familiar old sensation called “fear”. You know, the fear of doing anything for the fact that it might actually be completely ignored and inconsequential in the fabric of the lives of those who you are trying to impress. I found myself ground to a halt yet once again. I haven’t finished my latest projects in the art studio and Jason…poor Jason Leeks. He has been stuck in the cockpit of a spaceship shortly from his kidnapping and has made no progress at all. This is frustrating and I had really thought I was beyond this little problem but alas, I don’t think it will ever go away.
Then this happened:
It has started to put things into perspective. I have no art supplies currently in the temporary apartment we are living at these days. I didn’t lose everything but they took it all when they cleared the house for cleaning and have shoved it all into storage. Its just as well because this temporary housing has no place for me to set anything up. However, I am dying to create; to get my hands on anything and make something. I have some great friends who have provided me the basics of sketch pads and drawing pencils — thank freakin’ jeebus.
I have been trying to get myself out of the corporate world for so long and go through this stop/start rhythm for so long. I had recently started doing some freelance work online for accounting/administration type work and it was going pretty well. I was beginning to see a light that would get me out of my drudgery and into a home office where I would have more time to write and create then…fire. There is also a great mentoring program that is taking applications for a year long artist mentorship with a local artist who has mastered the skill of creating his own business from his talent. You get to spend a year working in the studio in his gallery and with his guidance learn what it takes to get yourself to the next step. I’m terrified and don’t know if I’m ready to make that leap but if not now….when? The biggest hurdle in my mind IS my mind. I know my limits with stress. Being bi-polar I have to be very conscious of how much stress I allow in my life and I have to make sure I do not take on so many responsibilities that I overwhelm my brain. This causes a rather negative outcome and ends with me usually in a corner looking down on myself wondering about my very existence. It is not pretty and nor is it conducive to actually accomplishing anything. In the midst of this internal struggle I am searching for a new full-time job. My contract stint is running out of time and I’m running out of patience with the ridiculousness of this monkey work. Can I handle a new job AND the mentorship program? I don’t know but I feel like I have to try. Yet, fear sets in and has me hiding in the shadows. *sigh* I hate my brain sometimes.
And poor Jason Leeks. His story has been playing itself out in my mind on a regular basis but I can’t seem to get it out of there. He has been sitting in that cockpit in the middle of an argument now for a couple of months with no end in sight. My house catching fire and being put out for what could be up to six months for repairs is making me really evaluate myself and how I keep letting things stand in my way and become an excuse. I don’t know if this will finally get me back on track or not but I know it has me seriously contemplating on why I have been letting something as silly as *fear* of going unnoticed stop me from accomplishing things. It is not like I’m exactly a glowing spotlight of recognition at the moment so it is not like I’m making it worse. So, decisions to be made including paint colors for my entire house (which is rather exciting because I have HATED the color of all my walls for years now) and getting myself to accept full commitment to the things that I have started and wish to see through regardless of what my mind is trying to tell me.
Keep an eye out for a new site coming up. I’m working on getting one dedicated solely to my artwork and you’ll be able to purchase existing artwork or we can communicate about a commission created as a collobartion of your personality and my artistic interpretation for you. Whether I actually make a huge contribution to the world or not, I’m going to try.
A lot of happenings of late. In the midst of political gatherings to fight for equal rights, book editing and new book writing, as well as preparing for an event to bring together my old crew for a reunion party I participated in a show. It was on the Art of Habit and Addiction. Since I so recently kicked sugar’s ass, my piece was on that subject. Here I am below at the show.
The new photos from yesterday’s adventure have been posted. Let me know what you think and if you might be interested in a print, drop me a line and we can discuss what you would like – sizing and price.
Well, while I’m in an updating mode….I went on an adventure today with the husband. We took our bikes and went into Houston. Starting on the trial in the Heights, we rode our bikes downtown and then through all the amazing buildings. I took my camera and shot some awesome pictures. I’m working on getting those together and edited for posting. It was such a great day for this adventure. The weather was phenomenal and Comicpalooza was going on at the convention center so I was also able to get some really cool pictures of the characters that were popping in and out of the building. Downtown Houston has really become a great destination for the city. They have worked hard on making it a place to take your family and also for flat out exploring and it shows. I loved running around on the bicycles and soaking in how wonderful our city is now.
Photos to come in the next day or so….hopefully. 🙂
A couple of days of decompressing and focusing on anything but editing or writing and I feel about a billion times better and all energized. I also read a great blog that I’m a shit for not remembering, but once I do I’ll link it. The blog was an awesome perspective on how amazing it is to do the rewrite of stories. I have been looking at it all fucking wrong. Instead of focusing on the tripe that I have written I need to remember I have a foundation now. A quick draft (well, as quick as I can be) of an amazing story and now I get to play with it – make my characters stronger and the story even more twisted, really bring out what I wanted from the beginning. Its a journey that takes some miles not a fast sprint down the block. As much as I want to be at the end of the road jumping in triumph, I am not there yet and need to stop expecting such quick results.
This is truly the first experience I am having with a serious effort to produce a quality story. One that will make the reader stop and think, “Did I just read that right?” A story that will also invoke some pretty disturbing images by the end of the story. I don’t know why horror/splatter writing has become my choice of genre. I do know I grew up on horror books and splatter movies. When I would read horror books I would always get disappointed because the authors always seemed to stop short of really describing and getting into the true gore of the acts occurring in the book. I don’t want to do that in my writing. I only hope I can accomplish it well for the audience. I do have many other ideas that run more to the fantasy side of fiction as well, but those are all longer stories and will have to come after I have successfully mastered a perfectly structured short story that I’m satisfied with in its entirety. Small steps and all that stuff. Anyway- I will be a busy beaver this weekend so stick around for some art, photography and lots more writing.
This is my next project. I’m working on it a bit today and will be doing other domesticated duties as well. It has been a late start today but that is all okay. I’ll have lots of things to keep myself busy today as long as I can keep myself moving. Thank you all that is holy and righteous for the coffee I will consume today.
This particular piece is going to be interesting. I am covering up an older item I did that I was so not satisfied with the results I just hid it in the back of my studio. Now, I’m going to use it to work out a piece in my head and I’ll be able to maintain some of the old painting in the new one. It’s titled “Time Kills”. Which will make more sense when you see the finished product. Here’s to a productive Sunday! Hope you all out there are having a productive day as well!!!
What am I doing? Its a nice Saturday with nothing to do. I have several writing projects to work on and a few paintings in mid-progress in my studio. Not to mention all the domestic type things to do around the house but what am I doing? I am hiding in my room trying to stay awake. I have no reason to be sleepy. I am fully rested and have been all week. I know the likely reason is medication but it sucks. I think my current regimen is not taking the edge off of my constant depression thus making me just sleep my life away. It probably doesn’t help that I was laid off a month ago and have had several GREAT interviews only to be passed over. I could be doing so many productive things but instead I’m hiding like always. I guess its time to get myself into the psych doctor again and see what can be done. Sometimes I wish I was the bipolar that had severe manic episodes instead of leaning to the severe depression and only minor mania. It seems like I’d get more done that way. LOL I just hate not functioning more than anything else. Constant chaos — this is my existence.